So, I had to take the last two days off of work. I had some kind of stomach flu, and got hit HARD by the depression again. I couldn't get out of bed, and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm having nightmares where she (let's call her SO) DOES dump me in person, and it's far more painful. Waking up doesn't help much. Crying doesn't help much. Eating doesn't help much. Nothing really does.
I've also been thinking (a hazardous pastime, I know). She said that I wasn't meeting her needs, but everything she talked about was about her emotional state, and from her perspective, how she felt about me. She didn't tell me what needs I wasn't meeting, just that she didn't like feeling a particular way, and that she didn't believe our relationship would ever be enough for me (it was, and could be, oh God, if only).
I would give anything to know. If only she would have said, "I'm not getting [x], and I need that." Then we could AT LEAST have talked about it. Plus, there's the fact that I would do anything at all that she asked, and did. I suspect that made her uncomfortable in some way, but I can't help it. That's how I felt. If she had asked me for the moon, I'd have taken a basket, and climbed the tallest mountain I could find, and would start jumping for it, swinging the basket to try and get it.
I have to admit, I haven't felt like this since I was 16. When I was 16, someone very special to me (who fortunately is still in my life) did something I couldn't abide, and I swallowed a bottle of pills to try and erase the pain, permanently. Fortunately, it didn't work. Also fortunately, I have two other very supportive people in my life who are willing to help me, and I've found a Poly friendly therapist who will talk to me by phone. I really need to get that all setup, which will have to wait until Monday. That reminds me, as long as I'm here at work, I really need to scan my insurance card so I can email it to them.
I'm really afraid that she's never going to talk to me again. The thought drives me absolutely crazy. I'm afraid she knows that I still love her, that I will always love her, and she's somehow creeped out now about it. I would give anything, do anything, to have a second chance, if I knew what needs weren't being met. She was my everything. Making love with her felt like being put in touch with the divine. Just her smile would make me feel better, and forget my worries. I feel lost, empty, and hollow without her. This is like dealing with a death, only losing my grandmother wasn't even this painful. I am closest to happy on days that I'm merely numb, because at least I don't feel like my world is collapsing then. In those rare moments, nothing bothers me.
I talk to her husband still. I run an internet proxy for him so he can surf from work. It's SO unbelievably hard not to beg him for help, but so far, I've managed to resist. We've talked a little bit, real surface stuff. I'm deathly afraid that she'll be mad I talk to him, so I keep it light.
I feel really guilty, too since I wasn't meeting her needs, and she was meeting all of mine. Worse, I don't know what I was doing wrong! She would make comments about me being dependent - but never specifics. HOW was I dependent on her? WHAT was I dependent on her for? It never made sense to me, and it still doesn't, and since she forbade me to talk to her, I'm afraid it never will. Worse, I'm afraid she'll never talk to me again. Oh God, I'm crying now, just at the thought.
All the stress from this has taken a serious toll on me. Physically, mentally and emotionally, I'm all but useless. I upped my medication to help me deal with it, but so far, it's provided limited relief. I've had the flu twice, and my sinus infection returned. I'm actually trying really hard to take care of myself, and just am not making it. More and more, I'm starting to not care about things around me. It all seems to pointless to me now. I'm struggling to find meaning, and it's not there.
Worse, one of my OSO's (we'll call her OSO1) is taking this all very badly. She tries to be supportive, but ends up being angry at me, because in her mind, I never cared this much about her. She's the one I tried to kill myself over at 16, and I think part of me IS still wary because of that, but I can't seem to get her to realize that it's different. It's not more, it's not less, it's DIFFERENT. I do love her. I'm torn up about the suspicion I have that one of the reasons SO left was because she refused to deal with OSO1. She said she never wanted to make me choose, and I always tried to reassure her that it would never be an issue, that I had already made my choice. I think it was a factor. I can't be sure, but I think it was. Worse, OSO1 can't understand why this isn't the time to hit me with this. I've given up trying to explain, and am not looking forward to the fallout that will result when she reads this. Actually, it's even worse. I'll get either an explosion, or stony silence, neither of which I need.
Every one of my most trusted, old, close personal friends (all 3 of them, lol) who I've shown SO's letter to agree that it's not clear, and are equally perplexed by it. So, thus I know it's NOT just me being a Lockwood. They've collectively given me some very useful advice, like telling me NOT to beg her no matter what. It's so hard. I would get on my knee's, naked in front of her, and beg her for another chance in a second, but I don't want to alienate her any more than I already have. I'm so depressed. I'm so confused. I'm so alone, even when my house is full of people, and kids. I don't really want to die, I just don't want to live this life anymore. Though I would never do it, It feels like time to hit the reset switch.
